🚪 Why do we hold the door for strangers?

As some may remember, FLoaWB began back in 2020 as the opening monologue to our Thursday evening, pandemic internet talk show, Hot Grits, Cold Drinks. Part life advice, part amateur comedy set, they were a fun little way to set the table for every episode. And as the host of a show like ours, it was important to do little quirky, fun things like that.

To be honest, I wish I was there to read this one to you live (this one would be quite animated), but instead it's in your inbox. Nevertheless, I hope you enjoy it just the same.

-Troy

You know the only thing that sucks more than holding the door open for a stranger?

You don't? Do you want to? 🤔
 

You do? 👀

Do you really want to know?
 

*last chance..*
 

It's having a stranger hold the door open for YOU! (I'm not kidding) 🙅🏽‍♂️

Picture this. You're walking into Walgreens or somewhere. You've just locked the door to your car in the parking lot (just trying to get to the "corner of happy and healthy" for some travel toothpaste or ibuprofen or a birthday card or whatever), and as you inch closer to the front door, step by step, you see some one walking out of the store (or maybe even walking in) 10-15 feet ahead of you...

You see them, and then worse, you see them see you, and then everything goes to shit. Why? Because for whatever reason, they've decided to hold the door open for you.

Been there before? We all have.

Now, most times, it's a halfway, sort of church hug-type holding of the door. and by that I mean a very non-committal gesture. The type of door hold that says "well since I'm already out of the house, I might as well act like I wanna be here."

Part pay it forward, part golden rule, part cultural normality, this shit just happens. Be clear, however, this is not at all close to chivalry. It isn't even gender specific. It's just something that happens a lot more often than it should. Simple as that.

But, as far as I'm concerned, this shouldn't be happening at all. I'll tell you why.

When a stranger holds the door for you, it does two things.

📝 Thing 1

It slows down the person that's holding the door. Whether they're going into, or leaving, the Walgreens or wherever, they certainly have some place to go (or at least be), right? Or something unequivocally better to do than to be holding the door for you, of all people. Correct?

By definition of them having LEFT THEIR HOUSE to begin with, or at least willfully entered this store, there's no way this isn't a waste of time for the person at the door. You must understand this. And yet, there you are, walking from the parking lot, while you're probably still trying to figure out which pocket you wanna put your damn keys in, having a door held for you, several feet ahead. Maybe the person at the door is being nice or whatever (how cute), but this whole ordeal makes you feel sort of like... a burden, right? Right.

In fact, midway through this process (probably right as you get a couple of feet or so from the door), is when this door holder starts silently regretting this whole shit anyway. This then puts you both in the same boat, without even knowing it: silently burdened by a stranger 😖

Think about it. That person, who you don't know, is holding the door for you, probably giving you that awkward smile (you know that no-teeth-ass smile) as they watch you approach the door, not sure if they they're waiting for a "thank you" or a "you're welcome" bc they don't know if they're holding it bc they're supposed to, or bc they're not expected to. This shit is deep! 🤯

Maybe they deserve a cookie for being sweet 🍪 🤷🏽‍♂️; maybe they're fishing for a compliment. We literally have no idea... still approaching from the parking lot, perhaps on your phone, having not even noticed them at all... OR on your phone because you DID notice them and are avoiding making awkward eye contact with this stranger folding up a 4-ft long receipt of coupons they'll never see again 🫣. What a samaritan 🙄

Keep in mind, all of this is happening in less than 10-15 steps. An eternity in door holding seconds. This is a lot.

But that's not the worst of it. Nope. Sure, this is a tough spot for that person at the door... but you know who has it worse? The parking lot person that's having the door held for them. And that's...

📝 Thing 2

The person having the door held for them didn't ASK for this at all. They're still in the parking lot, remember? And while I'm sure they certainly appreciate the sentiment in theory; man you fuck up their whole flow 🤦🏽‍♂️

When it all boils down, whilst whomever is up there holding that damn Walgreens door (hey, dude trying to look cool as you unfold your sunglasses with your lips because your hands are all of a sudden occupied with plastic bags filled with Pepto Bismol and over priced pistachios—we're definitely talking to you), the parking lot person is all of a sudden socially indebted to the benevolence of this weirdo (described above) that's hell bent on showing the world that there's still some good left in it 🫶🏽 🌎

Now, I'm all for the do-gooders... but here? At the corner of happy and healthy? Idk man, you're doing a lot. And that's not even the worst part. This is👇🏽

Whoever the door is being held for is now pressured to accept this gift by doing the fake run to "hustle" toward the threshold of this completely out-of-pocket gesture. They pump their arms, give a little huff and puff, and a head nod as they move slightly faster for, let's say, their final 4 steps—max.

👀🚶🏽‍♂️....🚶🏽‍♂️.....🚶🏽‍♂️💨
 

Fucking up their flow! This is the point where the person receiving the favor is actually more burdened than the person doing the favor. And the kicker? Now we're both awkwardly smiling 😬 Why? Because everyone feels they deserve a "thank you" for some shit like this, so they give one. But to be honest, both parties should be saying "you're welcome" bc they've each been far too nice. And that's what makes this sad. Funny how this works, but it truly does work.

Now look at us, in Walgreens having wasted each others' 15 seconds... you happy? You healthy?

This probably happens all.... day.... long. I bet if we'd ask a Girl Scout troop or a Fake Santa they'd know the problem all too well. They cringe from the curb year after year, and probably haven't held a door for someone in quite some time. They know the struggle. And I do too, so miss me with all of this, man, I'm just trying to grab a Gatorade for my hangover.

For Lack of a Wetter Bird, please don't hold the door for strangers.

P.S. - And yes, I know Walgreens have automatic sliding doors, but gimme a break 🙏🏽 🤣

Now is as good a time as ever to link some of the original FLoaWB monologues. Check 'em out - we had a blast.

The Best Thing I Saw This Week...

"Never Mistake the Finger for the Moon"

P.S. You should tell your friends about this newsletter and send them this link. Yes, yes that would be quite excellent of you.