👻 What's the wors— best Halloween candy?

I'm sorry... you've all been tricked. You have just walked into a candy corn bashing session. The doors have been locked behind you. So sit on down and get uncomfortable, because it's time. You know it and I know it.

Ok, so where do I start?

How about the fact that it tastes plastic. Why are we eating plastic? 🧐

You people have no souls. Just plastic in your teeth. Why for?

Look me in the eye... 🫵🏽 👀

Candy corn, surprisingly enough, is a CHOICE. Actually enjoying the things you eat? Yeah, buddy... a choice. Free yourself from these shackles.

Because, I mean, as candy, why are you tacky? The colors are off. Looks like something that belongs near a crosswalk. C'mon man, pull it together.

The hell type of non-committal, isosceles triangle, safety patrol, fake jelly bean bullshit is this? Matter fact, next time I see one I'm gonna have to hide the women and children—this has gone far too far.
 

Go ahead, defend yourself...

👂🏽I'm sorry... what was that? You'll have to forgive me, I can't understand you with that HANDFUL OF PARKING CONES IN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!
 

🧘🏽‍♂️ 🧘🏽‍♂️ 🧘🏽‍♂️ (woo sah) 🧘🏽‍♂️ 🧘🏽‍♂️ 🧘🏽‍♂️ (woo sah) 🧘🏽‍♂️ 🧘🏽‍♂️ 🧘🏽‍♂️ (woo sah) 🧘🏽‍♂️ 🧘🏽‍♂️ 🧘🏽‍♂️
 

You know what, I'm sorry; I'm done. We don't have to talk about this anymore...

What are y'all's costumes looking like this year? Let's talk about something else. Who y'all gon' be tonight? Somebody from Wakanda? Gina and Pam? Nino Brown again?

Actually no, I'm not done, because there's nothing you can do to hide or disguise how bad this candy corn situation is. I gotta circle back so y'all can give it up for good.

Imma need for you to take your final chew and spit it into my hand right now. SPIT IT OUT! This is an intervention.

Consider this: in the realm of candies, this is the "holy shit, I forgot about this project, let me go see if we still have that one glue stick and throw something together real quick" candy. If you ask me, I think someone just melted a candle, found some high fructose corn syrup, and hope n' prayed for a C+.

And I know y'all think it's cute to throw two good things together to make one great thing, but neither "candy" nor "corn" asked for this. Trust me. They were doing just fine.

The conscious uncoupling starts today. Thank you for coming to my newsletter.

For Lack of a Wetter Bird, leave the candy corn behind this Halloween.

(Eat a Twix instead)

This was my costume, btw. Who was I? First person to reply to this email with the answer gets a free bag of candy corn.

ICYMI...
Why Doesn’t good kid, m.A.A.d. city Have 5 Mics?!?!?

I continued my 5 mics series over on the main page last week during the 10-year anniversary of good kid, m.A.A.d. city. We'll be back for more.

P.S. You should tell your friends about this newsletter and send them this link. Yes, yes that would be quite excellent of you.