Getting Married is Like...

For anyone wondering.

The other day, my younger cousin asked me what getting married is like. I told him “Bro, that shit is lit”. But I lied. It’s so much more…

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📣 Getting married is like a big ass pep rally and you’re the star quarterback. Well, you and your soon-to-be-spouse are. Folks are not only invested in the success that’s got you here, but also fully hopeful of what you’re going to do in the “next game”. Everything is awesome at a pep rally.

🤩 Actually, no. Getting married is like a fashion show. Except the kind of fashion show where people actually wear outfits that people actually… wear. Because some fashion shows are just a little too fashion-forward, you know? Plus there’s a runway with music and everything. It’s pretty fly.

🎂 Or wait… Getting married is like a birthday party. But for two people who probably aren’t even getting older that day. Actually, I guess that’s just an anniversary, my bad. Getting married is your 0th anniversary.

🏟️ Getting married is like a Homecoming tailgate. Because they’re, well mine was, in the Fall. The first day of Fall actually. And everybody knows that’s the best season of the year, so they’re happy. And people like to drink all day around people they haven’t seen all year, so they do that. And those people, in a lot of cases, are your college friends who, in many cases, you haven’t seen since maybe last Homecoming.

👩‍👩‍👧‍👦 Also, getting married is like a family reunion, because it’s a big thing that’s been on calendars for months that everyone travels for and shows up to. There’s a host hotel, maybe a big bus at some point, a welcome bag, and little activities for people to become better acquainted. Plus, the Electric Slide, and what not.

🤫 Getting married is like the best type of church. After all, there is a pastor and an aisle, some pews probably, and hungover people that are late and loud. Plus, everyone gives hugs to each other immediately afterwards.

🍽️ Getting married is like a dinner party. Because you’ve invited so many people to come sit and eat with you. You hope the food is good, that they like your music, and that they get along with the people you’ve sat them next to. But really, you sort of just want to show everyone how well you’ve decorated. And if none of it is true, no one has the heart to tell you to your face.

🛒 Getting married is like a cabin trip. Because when people go out of town, they tend to just need stuff. And when a lot of people need stuff (like Gatorade, a steamer, an air mattress, a just-in-case UNO deck), you make a big ass Wal-Mart run. And when you make big ass Wal-Mart runs for things you normally don’t need, that’s pretty much a cabin trip.

🤙🏽 Um...Getting married is like a probate? Because planning a wedding is like being on line. And I can’t say too much more about this, but being on line sort of sucks… until the probate day when you suddenly appear in front of loved ones and friends you haven't seen in what feels like ages, in the best shape of your life. Yes yes, getting married is just like a probate.

🎢 Actually, getting married is like skydiving… or bungy jumping… or riding a new roller coaster for the first time. No, not because it’s “all downhill from here”. But mostly because there’s nothing but adrenaline pumping into your veins the entire time, and you can hardly tell that time is passing you by… but at the same time you remember it so vividly that you’d probably do it again if you could. Well, not “again” but “again”. Y’all know what I mean.

🪩 Ok. Getting married is like prom, except you’ve got the hot chick from Chemistry class. Your parents are there, and everyone is taking pictures, and even though nobody makes curfew, you hope all your friends are good to drive home at the end of the night.

That’s what getting married is like. And now that I read this, getting married is A LOT 😓

Far Lack of a Wetter Bird… I do, I did, I’m DONE!

See y’all at y’all’s weddings. But this is IT for me.

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