Are You A Millennial?

Come find out...

It’s no secret, there’s no set way to determine what a generation is. Researchers (pronounced ruh-surch), and come back with data (pronounced dah-tuh), but still nothing has ever been definitive. Matter fact, my wife wrote a whole dissertation focused on Gen Z and I still don’t know whether to call some people in my family nephew or cousin. Shit’s tough. But all I know for sure is I’m a millennial.

But also, I know that I got some uncles and lil’ cousins that are *probably* millennials too. And we’re not all the same (shout out Duce and Trey) Which has me wondering, how do we really know who we are?

Existential crisis much?

Generations have usually been an age thing. But the Wright Brothers discovered flight like 100 years ago, and Spirit just started flying to Peru in February. And that shit is already delayed. However, Uber is barely 10 years old, and started as a black car service, and now I can have a roll of toilet paper delivered before I finish shitting if I wanted to.

Society moves fast as hell now, progress is getting blurred. Maybe I got off topic. (I’m not shitting, btw)

Where was I?

Oh, millennials.

Personally, I think that generations themselves are a specific thing to this country. Sounds definitive (sorry, CJ), but wait. I know there is a global designation to pretty much everything nowadays because of the internet, but honestly I feel like American generations were defined by what happened in (wait for it) America. And... well, just maybe Americans have an influence on the rest of the planet.

Waste your time and try to prove me wrong.

Ex: If the “greatest generation” is the one that fought WWII, and because of them coming back home, and because of the invention of the car and the interstates, made it possible for suburbs to flourish, which influenced them to have lots of babies, the Baby Boomers in the late 40s-early 60s makes sense, and so on and so on…. Gen X, Millenials, Gen Z, and everything beyond is determined not by people and their personalities (per se), but by world history.

Like, you think places like Congo, Australia, or even Canada had the same boom during those years? How could they? They didn’t have the same events (nor influence for that matter).

I ain’t looked it up (Paige is the researcher not me), but I’d assume the world at large ain’t on our calendar. And honestly, neither are we. Generations be damned. It’s cultural. And that’s why I wanna start at home and figure out who exactly is in MY generation. The millennials.

Why? Cuz if not me then who?

Alright, I have a few options to make it easy to know if you’re a millennial or not. If you identify with at least 3 of these, you are…

If you were in some type of school (like, not kindergarten or becoming a doctor), you probably remember 9/11 in the way I do, and you’re a millennial. Nothing screams unity of a generation like a good old fashioned “where were you when…?” moment. Every generation has one.

Ok, I’ll cut you some slack, Aliyah died not long before that, like less than a month, and some might remember that just as much or not as much, but still we were all *there*. Which makes us share a generation. That’s the criteria I used for the rest of these, btw.

But first, history! Scroll down if you DGAF about your great aunties and grandmamas and shit. (smh)

Generations aren’t as much about numbers as they are about the things that shape our collective identity.

Gen X’s (our big cousins, young uncles/friend’s older step siblings/cool,hip teachers growing up) “where were you when…?“ moments? Maybe Pac/Big/Cobain deaths, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” madness, Rodney King, ATL Olympics, Berlin Wall, or Tyson/Holyfield. All of these are significant AF. However, if I had my pick, I’d say the OJ chase/trial or when they first heard Hip-Hop.

Before them. Boomers? Let me see. What is their unifying moment? Gotta be color TV. But let’s not forget MJ’s moonwalk, or the moon landing, or when Lionel Richie left the Commodores? Idk. Actually, it might be The “Rumble in the Jungle” or the first time Bird and Magic played in the Finals.

Preceded by? The Silent Generation, a good number of which were children of folks from WWI, after which the world as we know it began to take shape. Their moment? Undoubtedly the JFK assassination in ‘63. MLK and X not long after. Or maybe when the Beatles came to America. Or integration. These folks were like the parent figures in shows like Leave it to Beaver and Sanford and Son, FYI. But, if it’s up to me, their “where were you” moment may have been Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

Before that there’s the Greatest Generation. Given the name because of their valor in WWII, the first time America was widely seen as the “greatest country in the world”. This is often considered the starting point for generation naming. I guess people finally released how much of our history is correlated to .. WAR (huh! yeah! what is it good for?).

All that to say… Oh shit hold on let me be fair:

Gen Z? Maybe Trayvon Martin, or Kobe dying? Or when Elon took over Twitter? Idk. But I know they have one. Time will tell.

And even then my son is at least a generation behind that 🤯 Is there a name for it yet?

But you get the point I suppose. Back to me tribe. Let’s get to it. I’m going to find the single, most universal way of determining whether or not you’re a millennial.

But this is for you. I’m a millennial. I know it alreadu. Not simply a 90s or and 80s baby. Not the one they tried to tell you about, just the one that is. And, let’s be honest, if you’re reading this then you likely are too. Bc y’all are my friends and shit. So let’s do this together. Lmk if I fuck up or miss something:

If you either ever tried to make “fetch” happen, or vehemently knew it’d never happen, you’re a millennial.

If...

You’re a millennial.

If you remember when you could say Stacey Dash and Britney Spears were fine as hell, without having to explain yourself.. you’re a millennial.

If you ever had a crush on Megan Good, Bow Wow, Topanga, Allen Iverson, Lisa Turtle, or Nia Long. You’re a millennial.

If you ever forgot to take the meat out the freezer in the summer because you were watching Saved By The Bell, Family Matters, Full House, and/or Sister, Sister (in that order). You’re a millennial.

If YAKWTFGO…

You’re a millennial.

If you can hear this “You’ve got mail”, you’re a millennial.

If you ever wondered what Vicky Valencourt’s tits actually looked like in that scene, you’re a millennial.

If you know what “3… Flash… 3” means. You’re a millennial.

If you ever had 2 pairs of Air Force Ones. You’re a millennial.

If “Before I Let Go” is a Frankie Beverly song. You’re a millennial.

If you repeat your phone number when leaving a voicemail. You’re a millennial.

If you downloaded anything 👀 on Napster, Limewire, DatPiff, or Pirate Bay… You’re a millennial.

If you know what A/S/L means…

If you remember the dark skinned Aunt Viv AND dark sinned Claire… You’re a millennial.

See what I mean? I could go on and on and on (which did I miss?)

But this one is what I think takes the cake:

If you had a driver’s license when Michael Jackson died… You’re a millennial.

Actually, no this is the one:

For Lack of a Wetter Bird, if you watched an episode of Rugrats before you had your drivers license... You’re a millennial.

Thank you for coming to my... thingy.

Somewhat related: I also answered tough life questions like what the best thing to ever happen to the potato was, who the actual main character of Modern Family is, AND who the best musician of all time is.

Don’t play wit me. Did I miss anything?

P.S. Eli, you’re in Generation Alpha they say.