Having a Newborn is Like...
For anyone wondering.
The other day a couple buddies asked me what having a newborn is like. I told them “it’s a surreal haze of happiness and tiredness”. But I lied. It’s so much more.
Wanna know what getting married is like? I wrote about that too.
Note: I typed this at 3AM with one hand. Can you guess what was in my other hand? 💻 🥹
🐹 Having a newborn is like taking home the class pet for the weekend. Except… it’s not just for the weekend. LOL. But remember how, back in the day, it was supremely important to do everything right when it was your turn? The pressure of keeping that little thing alive was intense. And even though your parents were excited to see you take on the responsibility, they still helped because, deep down, they thought they could take care of it better than you could. Same thing here—except our baby is way cuter than a hamster. Trust me. Actually, scratch that...
🦯 Having a newborn is like going on a blind date. Bear with me. What will they look like? What will it be like being around them? How’s their smile? What do they smell like? What are they like when they’re upset? Will they even like me? OMG, what should I wear?! Blind dates make you hella excited yet nervous, leading up to the moment you meet this new person. And, just like a blind date, one thing is for sure: you’re DEFINITELY paying for their food and hoping you meet your soulmate.
⛏️ No, no, no. Having a newborn is like reopening a time capsule. Stay with me. Except instead of waiting 50 years, it’s more like 9 months. Actually, 10 months, if we’re being technical. Time is ticking, and what you’re about to unearth is a mystery—but whatever’s in there, the cake is already baked. You’re left to trust that what you planted—your love, hope, and care—has flourished. It’s this incredible moment where your present self has to trust your past self’s idea of your future self. Mind-blowing, right? Too deep? Fair. Let’s try something else...
🔋 Having a newborn is like getting a brand-new Gigapet. Remember those? Yep. From the moment you get one, you’re obsessed. Your goal is simple yet challenging: Rule #1: Don’t let it die! Rule #2: See Rule #1. Sure, I might be a little dramatic, but sometimes parenting feels like a clumsy, addicting game. You just take it a day, a minute, or even a second at a time, celebrating the tiny wins along the way. Yeah, having a newborn is definitely like having a Gigapet.
🧪 Or… having a newborn is like a big ol’ family science fair project that’s worth 99% of your grade. Why? Because the stakes are HIGH. You can’t mess this one up. And even though your family and friends are there to help, just like in middle school, about 80% of the work gets done by 20% of the group: Mom and Dad. Honestly, that’s how it should be. A+ all around!
⏲️ OK, having a newborn is like being on a cooking show. You know the ones where contestants get a fridge full of random ingredients and have 30 minutes to whip something up? The ingredients are set, the rules are clear, and the timer is the same for everyone—but each dish turns out differently. It’s a beautiful act of creativity, reminding you to keep going no matter what. Because no single ingredient is bigger than the dish itself. Love, like food, is what YOU make it.
🪴 Having a newborn is like getting a new houseplant. Sunlight, soil, and water—sounds simple, right? Wrong. Because there are a thousand combinations of how to do it, yet only one works best for your plant. How close to the window? What type of soil? Am I overwatering? Underwatering? When should I repot? Why can’t it just talk back and tell me what it needs? As much as you stress about it, the reality is simple: every parent just wants their plant to thrive. But every single plant is different.
🎰 Having a newborn is probably more like a parlay. You have all these things you think should happen, but you can’t be 100% sure they will. You search for logical outcomes that all seem likely on their own, but when combined, one missed outcome can spoil the whole bunch. It’s unrealistic, but that doesn’t stop you from trying. And that’s what makes parlays fun—the pursuit of perfection doesn’t always equal the payoff of preparation, but you savor every little moment. The worst part? It’s usually all dependent on someone you’re watching through a monitor. “Out of your control” is an understatement. Life is a gamble, my friend.
✈️ Having a newborn is like being jetlagged—except you haven’t been anywhere. In fact, you haven’t even really been to sleep. Forget another time zone, let’s start there. Your body’s trying to catch up to what feels like losing and gaining hours all at once. Weird stuff is on TV at even weirder hours. The coffee doesn’t stay hot long enough. And if it weren’t for the clock and calendar, you wouldn’t be able to tell if it was sunrise or sunset, weekend or weekday. Jetlag is undefeated.
✏️ Having a newborn is like retaking the SAT—as an adult. The entire pregnancy, you’re studying, watching videos, memorizing old wives’ tales, and planning what life will be like on the other side. You try to recall everything you’ve ever learned about babies. Then, when you get home from the hospital, it all goes out the window. It’s time to pick up that #2 pencil. Can you believe we used to do this multiple times a week for years? Crazy. As a grown-up, synthesizing that much info for a big moment feels harder. Maybe it’s just me. On a sweeter note...
🎃 That’s why having a newborn is like being the house on the block with the best Halloween candy. Because everybody (and I do mean everybody) wants to stop by to get their hands on your little fun-sized chocolate bar. They travel in groups, wear masks, ring the doorbell, and smile at you when you answer. But deep down, they just want the goods. Let’s be clear: you know it, and they know it. Honestly, who can blame them?
THAT’S what having a newborn is like.
For Lack of a Wetter Bird, having a newborn is everything you’ve ever done ever, all wrapped in one.
Wanna know what getting married is like? I wrote about that too.
🧡🧡🧡